No Joe!

Thursday I recommended giving the GI Joe movie a chance... I sure hope you didn't listen to me.




Full spoilers below.

So the movie opens with the line "In the not to distant future..." at which point my brother and I both broke out into the Mystery Science Theater 3000 theme song. Not a good sign.

The movie is non stop action and doesn't make a lick of sense. I thought the bad guys were cool but the Joes were horrible. Besides Scarlett and Snake Eyes I wanted them all to die a painful death. Especially Duke... he was boring as all get out. Horrible actor, they should have cast Brendan Fraiser instead.

Then we had Breaker, the arabic geek on the team. He was one of the most whiny characters ever and I kept expecting to see him in a dress. It was ridiculous.

Heavy Duty was okay but never really did anything.

And then we had Ripcord played by Mr. Wayans. The klutzy comedy relief. He ends up hooking up with Scarlet (what?!?). Half the time he seemed to be in love with Duke. Seriously I thought they should have almost gotten married instead of Duke and Baroness.

Yeah that's right there's a whole love story between Duke and Baroness that falls apart due to her kid brother dying but not really dying.

Oh and the plot... well Destro develops a weapon for nato and then steals it but then needs to kidnap a civilain scientist (Baroness's husband (not Duke)) to weaponize it since he can't do it himself being a weapon's designer and all.

Oh and we never hear the word Cobra until the last 15 minutes of the movie... What?

The movie is watchable and even entertaining at points but quickly falls apart over and over due to shoddy writing and accelerator suits. It was kinda like someone saw an episode of GI Joe Sigma 6 and thought this would be a great movie. The last 30 minutes are decent enough but the movie ends with Cobra Commander and Destro being captured and Baroness switching sides.

I give it 2 and a half stars out of 5. Not the worst movie I've seen but it could have been so much better. I know this movie was rushed out the door due to the writer's strike so I tell you what. Hire new writers and recast the Joe team and I'll think about seeing the sequel... I'll think about it... no promises.

I'm eagerly awaiting the riff trax. If you want to watch a great GI Joe move, please watch GI Joe Resolute instead and wait for this one to air on FX.